


Hydrophobia in Summer

by letmegeekatyou



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Fear of Drowning, Happy Ending, M/M, Swimming, past trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-27
Updated: 2014-05-27
Packaged: 2018-01-26 19:53:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1700516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/letmegeekatyou/pseuds/letmegeekatyou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam helps Castiel face his memories of Leviathan.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hydrophobia in Summer

**Author's Note:**

> Written for constellationsammy on tumblr.

Sam struggled to feel in control of his body. Despite his strength and skill, there was always the echo of the demon blood, and his destiny as a vessel, and, more recently, Gadreel and Crowley and having to  _fight_ his way out of the corners of his own mind. His body was contested, and it was vulnerable, and it was dangerous. His body had killed Kevin.

So when he pushed up from his toes against the gravelly bed of the lake, launching himself like a boat onto the still water, the relief took his breath away. His body, which so weighed him down, was not so heavy that the water couldn’t lift him, lapping at his skin in tiny ripples like kisses, embracing him like a friend. It was warm with the late summer sun, and he wondered if he could fall asleep like this.

He didn’t realize at first, eyes closed and relaxing into the water, that Cas hadn’t followed him. When Sam did open his eyes, lulled into contentment and wanting Cas to join him so they could kiss and hold hands as they floated together, he knew something was wrong. Castiel stood at the edge of the water, naked (“swim trunks are impractical. They restrict movement, and it is pointless to conceal my genitals. You  _like_  looking at my genitals”), and it looked to Sam like he was standing on the edge of the world with nothing but sharp rocks and darkness below. Sam swam back in far enough that he could stand again.

"Cas?" But it was like Castiel couldn’t hear him; he just stared into the water. Sam walked over to him, gently touching his arm to remind him that he was there. "Hey, you okay?"

Finally, Cas looked up at him, and he wasn’t okay. Sam could see it in his eyes, the way they searched his own for reassurance. Cas was afraid.

He hadn’t floated when he walked into the river, Cas remembered. The screeching, twisting Leviathans that had filled his body had weighed him down, forcing him to walk along the riverbed with the water pressing all around him, the darkness closing in over his head and the sediment he kicked up clouding his eyes. And when they had finally left him, they had shredded his mind as well as his clothing, leaving him vacant and empty in the dark water, knowing only what he had been doing moments before—walking.

But the river had been disorienting, the water moving quick and cold against his skin, spinning him around and chilling his bones, and if it wasn’t for the riverbed below his feet, he wouldn’t have known which way was up, which way was out. It took him what felt like hours to find his way out, and the first glimpse of sunlight on the surface had seemed so far away that he had panicked when he saw it, afraid he could never climb high enough to reach it, that he would be trapped in the river forever.

This time, it was Sam’s voice that reached for him in the deep water, drawing him to the shore, to the sunlight, to the present. Sam’s hand was loose over his arm, a reassuring but not restraining touch, and Castiel could hear the fear in his voice.

"Talk to me. Cas, please, talk to me."

"I can’t go in the water." As soon as he spoke, Cas felt his chest tighten, and tears came into his eyes. He blinked heavily. "I can’t. The last time I went in the water, Leviathan drowned me. I drowned, Sam. I drowned in the river." He turned himself into Sam’s chest, hiding his face from the sun that glared off the water, and Sam wrapped him up, bending down to hold Cas with his whole body as the angel tried to catch his breath.

"Fuck, this was a bad idea. I’m so sorry, Cas. Sweetheart, I’m sorry." He stroked Cas’s hair, mentally kicking himself for not thinking this through. "Let’s go home. Let me take you home."

"I’m sorry, Sam," Cas murmured into his chest, his breath finally slowing. "I’m sorry, you planned this perfect day, and I want to say we can stay, but I can’t…"

"Shhh, it’s okay. Cas, look at me. We’ll go. It’s okay. We’re okay." He kissed the angel gently, to reassure him, then walked him back to the car before going back to gather their clothes. His hair was still wet when they got home.

***

"I want to go back to the lake." Sam almost choked on his oatmeal when Cas finally brought it up, weeks later, at breakfast. They hadn't talked about it since then, although Cas had been brooding, and Sam had wondered whether he should say something.

"Dude, you hated the lake. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen you that scared."

"That’s the point, Sam. I am an angel. I don’t like to be scared, and I want to go back. I have to try again."

Sam tried to dissuade him, but summer was giving way to autumn, and Cas was determined to go before it got too cold. Eventually, Sam had to agree. He wanted to keep Cas home, and safe, and out of the water, but he had to respect that Cas wanted to face this. And if Cas had demons to fight, Sam was going to be by his side.

They arrived late in the morning, and the sun was high and bright, although the trees had started to burn gold and red at the edges. This might be the last warm day for a while.

Cas stripped methodically, as if he was going through a routine he had practiced many times in his head, and as Sam undressed he marveled, not for the first time, at Cas’s determination. He was as stubborn as a Winchester, and then some, and despite his reservations about this idea, Sam was proud of him.

Soon, they were both standing at the edge of the lake, feet sinking a little into the soft, sandy earth. Cas looked down at the ground as it faded into darkness under the water, which was bright with reflected sky and trees. He couldn’t decided if it looked solid enough to hold him up or to hold him under, and his heart began to race. It was so large, this lake, and his vessel so small, and he couldn’t fight it like he could a demon or monster. He had to trust it instead, and he wasn’t sure how to do that.

The back of Sam’s hand brushed his, grounding him and reminding him of all the time since he had walked out of the river, of all the times he had almost drowned, in a hundred different ways, and been rescued. It reminded him of how he had felt when he was first falling in love with Sam, like he was back in deep water, but it warmed instead of chilling him and Sam was always there like a mermaid in a children’s story, kissing him deeply and filling his lungs with air when he couldn’t breathe. He laced his fingers with Sam’s and began to walk, slowly, into the water.

It was still warm from months of summer sun. Cas felt a moment of panic as the water rose higher on his body and lifted him slightly, but Sam held his hand tighter and they stopped there for a moment, letting the breeze that rippled the water glance over their skin and listening to the trees rustle with wind and birds and life _._

"How are you feeling?" Sam asked quietly, watching Cas’s face for any signs of panic.

"I feel…insubstantial. The water is pulling me up, not down. I am not sure how to feel." Cas frowned, and Sam understood. Cas could brace himself against the fear of drowning, but he had nothing to replace it with, no sense of what could fill the space that was left when he pushed the fear away.

"Do you want to try to float? I’ll hold onto you, keep you from drifting away. You just have to relax and let the water lift you." Cas hesitated, then nodded, and Sam helped him rearrange himself on the surface of the water. He was too stiff, though, fought too hard to keep himself up, and he started to sink.

"Sam. Sam!" Cas flailed, and Sam pulled him upright again, holding him close and stroking his back.

"You’re okay, Cas. Look, let’s try this. I’ll let go of your hand and put my arms under you. That’ll keep you up until you can relax enough to float on your own. How's that sound?"

"What if I can’t float? What if I’m too dense? What if I…what if I can’t stay up?"

"Hey, do you know how often I’ve carried you to bed after you’ve fallen asleep on the couch?" Cas frowned up at him.

"Not as often as you claim, I think." Sam laughed, glad to have distracted him a little.

"Plenty of times." He leaned forward to kiss Cas’s forehead and added quietly, "and I’ve never dropped you. Not once."

It took a few more tries for Cas to relax enough to float. Every time he thought he had it, he’d find himself thinking of the riverbed, and the water would seem to open under him to pull him under again. And every time, Sam’s arms were right there, lifting him out of the water, making sure he could breathe, holding him firmly until Cas felt safe to try again.

And then…he was floating. The water against his back was warm and soft and almost intangible, and the sky overhead was bright and there were orange-green leaves at the edges of his vision, and he moved slowly as the water moved around him, and… oh.

_Oh._

He was _flying_. And Sam was laughing happily at the expression on his face, and Cas was hit with a sudden sadness, because this might be the last warm day for a while, and he never wanted to leave. He closed his eyes, and he soared.


End file.
